Breastfeeding/Nursing

One of the most beautiful things (in my OWN opinion) is the art of breastfeeding/nursing. For me, it was a love/hate relationship. I LOVED the fact that I was able to feed O with the best thing possible, but HATED the amount of time, science, and energy that went into it. Now, when I say I hated the science of it, I mean that hormonal drops in supply, not eating enough, therefore having my supply dip, being sick and having my supply drop. It made breastfeeding and the pumping journey miserable.

With O, I was extremely excited to breastfeed (not in a weird way), during my own research, I decided that it was better for her, especially being a NICU preemie, and ultimately for me. The art of breastfeeding is beautiful; it's the fact that your body can provide the right nutrients, antibodies, and everything in between to properly nourish your babe. It was something that I was very proud of. Breastfeeding/pumping takes a lot of time, patience, and dedication and I wish I would've just followed my own gut and continued breastfeeding and pumping until I couldn't do it physically anymore. Unfortunately, my journey was cut short due to the negative impacts it made on my mental health. My husband and I both noticed that I was wearing myself out, becoming fatigued and more irritable, and becoming depressed when my supply dropped and had to supplement with formula. Once I stopped breastfeeding and pumping, my mental health greatly improved. I was able to get better sleep, my breasts didn't hurt (when I finally dried out), and I didn't feel tied down to a machine. With all of that, the thing I miss the most is the closeness that I felt with O. It's almost indescribable, but not in a creepy way. With O being my first child, I was overly protective of her, so while everyone was ogling over her, having our time (her feeding time) was the perfect time for us to have each other.

Unfortunately, with M, I didn't get to have that same experience. I started breastfeeding and pumping but ultimately had to stop very early. Which devastating me. On top of already not bonding with M, I really felt that I would never get that bonding experience because I was not able to breastfeed her. I felt more and more detached from her. A lot of my struggle after the birth of M was my inability to bond with her. I was convinced that she was not my baby despite watching her come out of me and having photographic proof, therefore, I felt no connection to her. I didn't want to hold her, kiss her, hug her, or just sit there and talk to her; it felt as if I was babysitting someone else's child. I had high hopes that I would be able to breastfeed and hopefully gain some type of a bond with her. Due to PPD/A, I wasn't able to. I was placed on medications that were not good for her and mental wise, I was not in the right headspace to consider breastfeeding. I did continue to pump though and saved up a nice stash. I felt guilty 98% of the time during M's postpartum phase. And I still do. Even though she is perfectly healthy and happy, I feel like I failed her mentally and physically because of not being able to breastfeed. I beat myself up about it every time I think about it. But it wasn't my fault. Postpartum is a bitch, and mine was the biggest bitch there was.

I am still trying to remind myself that it is not my fault that I wasn't able to breastfeed M. I also try to remind myself that I still did the damn thing with O. As difficult as it was, I did it. I tried with M and I'm still trying to accept that even though I didn't get to do it for long, I still did it. Breastfeeding, nursing, pumping is all mental. Knowing what I know now, I wouldn't change anything. M is strictly on formula; O was a breastmilk baby and guess what, both my babies are happy and healthy regardless of what type of food they received. If you are currently going through this journey and you feel like giving up, don't. (Unless it's due to a medical complication or concern). I know it's tiring, I know it's mentally draining, and I know how time consuming it is, but think of all the good that's happening in that simple transaction. Even if you've breastfed for a day, you still did the damn thing and I'm proud of you. Obviously, do what's best for both you AND your baby. You are doing an AMAZING job mama, keep that shit up!

As always, I am here for you if you ever need to talk, vent, or just ask questions. I'll post some of my favorite links that I relied on during my breastfeeding journey. I love you all.

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