Fresh

My girls are the world to me. To know I created two beautiful souls is kind of a flex. But almost immediately afterwards, post partum hit me like a ton of bricks. O’s post partum was not as bad as it was with M’s. With M, I didn’t feel that bond that I had with O, I was so depressed that I didn’t want to get out of bed, I’d go days without showering, hardly ate, and was experiencing suicidal thoughts. I had to attend intensive outpatient therapy (which was awesome, totally recommend) until everything got worse… One night, my suicidal thoughts almost came to fruition. I was planning on how to sneak out of my house and what my letters would say until M woke up for her bottle and saved my life. I told my husband and next thing I know, I was in a psychiatric unit for three days. Those were the worst three days of my life, but I’m thankful that I did it. I was diagnosed with post partum depression/anxiety, ADHD, bipolar with mania, OCD, and PTSD. I know, that’s a lot right?

I am in a much better place than I was four months ago, but I still have a long way to go. I still have my depressive moods; I still get manic, but at the end of the day, I realize that I can’t leave this earth because there are people who depend on me. I have never experienced a depression like that. It was like a dark, stormy day with a torrential downpour— no sun in sight. Now, they’re not as bad, some times it’s just a cloudy day, other days, the sun is shining and the birds are singing.

This is me being vulnerable and letting you know that things will be ok. The sun will come out again. Your life matters and there are people out there who love you and would love to see your face. We have to stay strong and keep fighting, even when we don’t want to. I hope this reaches whomever needs to read this and know you are not alone.

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