Living with mental illness

From a young age, my mom would always joke that I was bipolar, simply because my moods were erratic. Not knowing that I actually was bipolar. During my teenage years, I was very depressed; it wasn't until college that I started self-harm. Never anything to actually kill myself, but to just match the pain that I was feeling on the inside. My mom's reaction was not what I thought it was going to be; so instead, I self-harmed in places she or anyone else would ever see. All superficial. I went untreated for depression up until I was 26; that's when my primary doctor diagnosed me with depression, anxiety, and possibly bipolar (she wasn't able to diagnose that). I was supposed to see a psychiatrist, which I never did because I didn't want that label on me. Depression and anxiety was something I could handle; being bipolar was something I didn't want to be tied to. So I ignored it.

During my mid-20s, I would experience manic episodes. I thought I was just being quirky and whimsical. That was farrr from the truth. I was living with one of my best friends in south city and there would be multiple times where I would stay up for days on end, spend money like I was a millionaire, talk and ramble in circles, and take on risky adventures. Still, I didn't go to the psychiatrist or seek any further help. I was on medications for depression and anxiety and otherwise felt great. I was no longer self-harming, I no longer wished I was dead. So why did I need to see a psychiatrist? I was just being me. I was in a very toxic, mentally and emotional abusive, and dangerous "relationship" that would plummet me into back into my depression, even with medication and dose changes. And with that came more frequent manic episodes. On top of drinking almost non-stop. You would've never guessed it, but I was on my way of becoming an alcoholic. Thankfully, I finally got myself out of that "relationship" and never got to that point of being an alcoholic, unlike him. Things started looking up. I'm not going to go in depth of the relationships I had after him, but I didn't trust myself anymore after that.

It wasn't until my second pregnancy with M that I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, bipolar, ADHD, and OCD. More labels that I never wanted attached to my name or who I was. But I could no longer ignore it; during pregnancy is when it started to rear its ugly head- postpartum is when I had to deal with it head on. But everything made sense. My mood swings, my irritability, my irrationality, EVERYTHING. That meant more meds and more therapy, great. Little did I know, I would come to love and appreciate therapy, especially the mom's IOP. I met so many beautiful mothers who were going through either the exact same thing I was going through or similar and no longer felt like I was alone in my motherhood journey.

With all the help and support I've been receiving, I still experience bouts of depression, LOTS of anxiety, and manic episodes, but with the tools I've learned, I've been able to get in front of it before it would get worse. Sometimes, I don't get that lucky. 3 weeks ago, I experienced my first manic episode for the first time in a long time. The meds I have to use to sleep weren't working, my mind was racing a million miles per second, I literally wanted to clean the baseboards at 3 in the morning, insane right? But I prefer my mania over depression... EVERYDAY. At least with mania, I can get things done and be productive, which is opposite of being depressed.

Mental illness is not taboo, nor should it be considered as such. Mental illness isn't something to be afraid of. I look at my mental illness as a part of me now; I can't change it or swap it out, it's something that I've learned to embrace. I'm no longer afraid of my diagnoses, instead I work on finding ways to manage and retake control of my life. Please don't be discouraged or disheartened if you have or have been recently diagnosed with some form of mental illness; it'll take work, love, and support. If you don't have the love or support, I can be that guide for you to the best of my ability. I do still have my days, but am still willing to help if need be. I'll have some resources posted just in case you need a bit more help. Please take care of you, your babies need you. I love you all.

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