M's Pregnancy... and after

M is my youngest, but her journey affected me the most.

I remember finding out I was pregnant; it was days after O's 1st birthday and honestly, I thought I had line eyes until my womanly cycle didn't come. Then it was confirmed at my well-woman exam. We weren't trying, but we weren't preventing it either. On top of me telling my husband, Chris, that I was not having any babies over 35 😂. The pregnancy was ROUGH. I was sick constantly, the cravings were intense, more importantly, my depression was at the highest level I've ever experienced. I didn't want to go to work, I didn't want to be around friends or family, I just wanted to rot in my bed. That's when they put me back on my Zoloft (thank God) and things started looking up. The 2nd and 3rd trimester is when God was really testing me. The body aches and sciatica pain was unbearable. Not to mention, I fell down some stairs and broke my tailbone, I was just in so much pain, but constantly. Then comes the blood pressure problems. Just like before, I was in and out of the hospital and my body swelling, I had intense migraines with some visual disturbances and overall just feeling like crap. I had to work from home, but could barely do so much because of the pain and being so uncomfortable. My doctor scheduled me for an induction for the February 10th, but M didn't want to wait that long; therefore, she was born on the 8th.

Post partum depression and anxiety hit me like a Mack truck flying down the highway. I was having intrusive thoughts, like what if I accidentally put M in the dryer while I'm doing laundry or what if I just dropped her while I was carrying her, outlandish things like that. I was obsessed with watching her sleep and making sure she was breathing. On the flip side, I didn't think she was mine. Even though I watched her come from me, she was not mine. I was convinced that they switched her while in the nursery. Looking back on this now, I had no reason to believe that, but my brain fully believed it. Therefore, my bond, this magical bond that you're supposed to have with your newborn, was gone. I felt like I was babysitting someone else's child. I was scared to hold her, to kiss her, to give her the attention that she needed because I believed she was not mine. My heart broke. I felt f*cking crazy, and turns out, I was. I was diagnosed with PPD/A, OCD, Bipolar w/ mania, and ADHD, and all of them are attacking me all at once. On top of not bonding with M, I wasn't bonding with my family. I was ignoring my mom duties and wifely duties. I didn't feel like me and felt like I was trapped in the shell of me. I went to intensive outpatient therapy and I loved it, it was the best thing that I could have done for myself during that dark time. I started going to the gym, was able to get a lot of my anger and rage out, which was also therapeutic. It still seemed like I wasn't able to connect my mind and heart together to make myself happy. It felt like I was trying all these things to better myself and my mind and nothing was working. I was sleep deprived, mentally exhausted, and burnt out of being a mother and a human being. That all came to head the night of April 11th, 2025...

That night, I had just gotten M to bed, Chris was working on getting O to bed. I felt a feeling of complete emptiness come over me and I didn't want to be alive anymore. I was thinking about my family, my kids, or my future. With PPD, I always had a thought of how I would die; that night, I thought about how many letters I would write and who I would address them to: My husband, my mom, and finally my kids. I thought about how I was going to sneak out of the house. I kept my car in the garage, so the only obvious choice I had was to take my husband's car as to not raise any suspicions. Then go out to my spot and jump. Thankfully, M started crying and it is one of the reasons why I am still here today.

It's hard putting this out there because never in a million years would I have thought that I would ever have those thoughts of killing myself. I want to stress that even though it feels hard now, times will get better. That little glimmer of a light that you see at the end of the tunnel, keep heading for it- I promise you things will be so much better. It's going to take time, but the love that you had for yourself, will come back; the love that you have for life, will come back. And of course, if you are experiencing any suicidal/homicidal ideations, please seek additional help at your local emergency department or contact Lifeline at 988, which is 24/7. Your friends and family want you to be here, your loved ones want you to be here, your kids want you here, and I want you here. Stay strong and reach out if you need anything.

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