O's Pregnancy... and after

Little Miss O's pregnancy was a surprise. And a crazy story. I was in Denver celebrating a friend's bachelorette party and was just feeling sick and not like myself. I attributed it to altitude sickness and overall just the amount of drinking we were doing. Well, I fly home and I'm still not feeling great and then realized I missed my womanly cycle (if you can't tell, I was horrible at tracking it), and just so happened to just take a pregnancy test. Chris was not home yet and I was floored when those two lines popped up. So floored that I met up with another one of my friends, went to the gym, and then told her afterwards. I remember feeling so panicky and wondering how I was going to tell Chris. That night I mustered up the courage and just showed him the pregnancy tests (yes, I took more than one) and he was just as ecstatic as I was. I was still panicky though, wondering if I'd be good enough to be someone's mother, wondering how we'd do as parents and parenting together, and wondering if we were ready to bring a child into this already chaotic world.

The first trimester was miserable. Like absolutely terrible. The nausea, the migraines that disoriented me and just made being in the sunlight miserable. Honorable mention goes to the fatigue and did I mention the nausea?? Everything started to lighten during the second trimester; I absolutely loved looking at my growing baby bump, having this crazy amount of energy, being in love with the fact that I was able to carry a baby, and finding out that O was going to be a girl!! Third trimester was a different story though; I was fatigued, nauseated, barely wanted to do anything. It was the summer time so I was just burning up. Then comes the blood pressure problems. I had to monitor my blood pressure often due to the swelling and migraines. When I say I, I actually mean Chris. I taught him how to take a manual blood pressure (with him being a police officer, I was thoroughly impressed with how accurate he was and how quick he learned to do it). We were in and out of the hospital for five days before I was told that I needed to be induced at 34 weeks and 5 days. Then she was here. O stayed in the NICU for seven days and then she was home with us. I remember the first day being home, Chris had changed her and swaddled her and he goes, "Well, what do we do now?" And we just watched her sleep in absolute bliss.

There were definitely challenges being a new mom and adjusting to being a team of three. There was no more me or I, it was now just us. Chris was my rock during post partum. It hit me hard, but not as hard as M's post partum stage did. I was depressed, I was sad, but I was grieving the life I used to have while also celebrating this new life that we have. She was absolutely perfect. She was attached to my chest almost 24/7. There was this bond that is indescribable. I didn't want to be without her and she didn't want to be without me. Although I was obsessed with her, I lost who I was. I didn't have my own identity anymore; O was O and I was O. I didn't want to do much of anything. I didn't want to go out, I didn't know how to be me anymore. All the interests and hobbies that I had before, I lost. The only thing that I was sure of was how much I loved my baby girl and that was it.

One of the hardest thing about being post partum was trying to find myself again as a woman, wife, sister, and a daughter all while being a new mom. I had so many new titles to add to my name that I didn't even know where start. On top of having to return to work as a full time EMT. Our schedule was not family friendly, so trying to find a way to navigate life with all these different hats. I had anxiety about putting O in daycare; would they love her, would they give her space to explore and grow, would they treat her right, would she be safe with them? Of course we met with the teachers, but it's not the same when you're not there. Will they still remember you and how you smell when they come home? Will they remember that you love them? That's one of the worst things about being a parent in America. Cutting maternity/paternity leave (if you even get it) short just so you can survive, but that's another rant for a later date.

No pregnancy and no post partum are the same. Each one has their own successes, failures, and challenges. The vast differences I experienced between O and M’s pregnancy and post partum are the reason why I wanted to start a blog. I want to connect with moms (and dads) to show that there is support and a way to get through trying times, especially when it feels like you’re alone. You are never truly alone.

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