The crippling “mom guilt”
Mom guilt (definition): the feeling of shame or frustration that mothers experience when they believe they are not meeting their own or others' expectations of motherhood.
We are all carrying some level of mom guilt even if you don’t think you do. It’s very easy to get wrapped up in society and even our own perceptions of how motherhood should go. News flash: we’re making it up as we go and that’s ok! We weren’t given a handbook or a manual as to how to be a mom, if there were a handbook, everyone would be doing it.
I recently had a bad couple of days and it was surrounding my guilt. I felt as if I wasn't doing enough for my girls, that I wasn't doing enough as a wife, and that I wasn't doing enough for me. As I've said before, my girls are my world, but sometimes, I want a break from being a mom. I am still postpartum (6 months) and still beat myself up over the smallest of things. I don't think I deserve a break from being a mom and I think I don't deserve time away from my kids, even if it's just 10 minutes of quiet time to myself. In my mind, being a parent is a continuous, no breaks allowed type of job. Thank God that I still see my therapist, who validated my feelings of wanting a break from kids. We're not robots, we can't meet everyone's demand at a snap of a finger. Doing so, we continue to lose a piece of ourselves. I think it's quite known that when we have kids, that we do lose a sense of personality, but gain a sense of purpose again. To be completely honest, kids are exhausting. They scream, they cry, and they constantly need something. You need something to: a break. It's ok to break off from the world for a little bit to recover, the world still spins and your kids will still be there.
As far as being a wife, I talked about it briefly, but I don't feel like a wife. I feel like a roommate. That's not taking a dig at my husband in any way, shape, or form. We both work full-time, we're going back to school (me: nursing; him: criminal justice), and there's just no time for us. We try to make time, but then I feel guilty of leaving the girls with my mom (or anybody) for so long while we go out and enjoy ourselves. My husband is another big piece of my world; I love how he motivates me, supports me, holds me accountable, touches me, and makes me feel like I can do anything. It's just finding time to get away is difficult. We have friends and family that we can rely on for help, but as a mom, I don't feel like I should. The way my mind works (unfortunately) is that I should not be relying on anyone else to take care of my kids except for me and my husband, which let's be honest, not realistic. So sometimes, I do feel like I'm the one hindering my relationship with Chris because it shouldn't be as hard as I'm making it. But more times than most, I let my mind take over.
Lastly, me. I don't give myself enough props or pats on the back for everything that I've overcome; frankly because I don't think I deserve it. I'm the mom, I'm supposed to handle everything that life and motherhood throws at me with a smile and keep going. Again, I recognize that isn't realistic, but it's like I can't convince my brain otherwise. I started going to the gym during my maternity leave while the girls were at school and it felt amazing. Then it didn't, I was always worried about what needs to be done at home, did I do enough at home, why am I doing this when I could be watching my girls myself? Even though I was in IOP (intensive outpatient program [therapy]), I couldn't stop feeling guilty about doing one thing for me, that would actually benefit me in the long run.
I think that a lot of "mom guilt" comes from previous generations. I think that a lot of moms were just forced to chuck it up and continue about their day, ignoring the signs of depression and anxiety. As moms, we shouldn't feel guilty about the things that give us pleasure; we deserve it. Our bodies did an amazing thing which brought beautiful life into this world. We deserve that 10 minute break, not wanting to parent for a bit, to have those date nights; we go through so much during pregnancy and postpartum that we shouldn't second guess what brings us sanity. I look at it as this: you're on a plane and the oxygen masks come down, they tell you to your mask on first, then the other persons'. This is the exact same case. Take care of you too.
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